Why the Head Over Heels Inator is Ineffective
by Sage of Mudora
Summary: In the early days of their animosity, Heinz Doofenshmirtz unintentionally uncovers one of Perry the Platypus' secrets and the two have their first personal conversation.


_Trap ready? Check! Inator plugged in? Check!_

After three long months, Heinz was finally going to defeat that platypus and take over the ENTIRE TRI-STATE AREA! He just knew it! There was no way this plan could fail. Moving across the lab to check on the "secret element" of his latest scheme, Heinz could not help but chuckle to himself.

-Crash!-

Grinning wickedly, Heinz turned to find the teal monotreme in his usual fighting stance, standing precisely where the doctor had predicted. "Ah, Perry the Platypus! How Serendipitous! And by 'serendipitous'" Heinz paused to press a button on the remote in his hand, "I mean completely dipitous!"

Perry glanced around before grasping the pink metal bars covered with frilly lace in his tiny platypus hands and looked up at the scientist. Heinz continued, "You are probably wondering why I have trapped you in such a romantic cage! Well, I can explain that. You see, Perry the Platypus, last week on Valentine's Day when I was remembering past failures I had an epiphany. Whenever I fall in love I find myself unable to focus on other important matters; I'm completely distracted! More so than normal, anyway. And so I told myself, 'Heinz, why not use this knowledge for your own evil plans?' And I did!"

Perry rolled his eyes, but Heinz ignored him. "Behold! The Head-Over-Heals-Inator! With this I will cause you to fall madly in love with the first compatible member of your species that you see! Just like Cupid's Arrow, only eevil!"

The caged platypus looked slightly uncomfortable at this, and his eyes darted around the room. Heinz thought he knew what Perry the Platypus was looking for.

"And no, I didn't forget the future object of your affection! Behold again as I present to you your doom! "Dr. Doofenshmirtz reached into a small pet carrier sitting in the corner and pulled out a typical wall-eyed platypus. "Popcorn the Platypus! And don't give me that look, I didn't name her! I found this one-day pet sitting deal on the Internet. Popcorn the Platypus is very well behaved. You'll…you'll like her. You'll see."

Popcorn the Platypus was slightly smaller than Perry and wore a lavender collar. Heinz petted her absentmindedly as he walked closer to his -Inator. Realizing what was about to happen, Perry the Platypus began to file away at the frilly bars with urgency. He wasn't quick enough. With a sudden laugh, Heinz pressed a button and Perry was hit by a bright pink beam.

"Yes! I did it!" Heinz yelled as he ran over to Perry's cage. With a press of a button the top opened and the man gently placed Popcorn inside. "Have fun, lovebirds, while I take over the Tri-State Area! But not toooo much fun; Popcorn the Platypus' owners might not appreeeciate it if their platypus laid eggs."

Dr. Doofenshmirtz looked down at the pair expectantly for several long moments. When Perry the Platypus continued glaring up at him, the man's face fell. "You're supposed to be wooing her, Perry the Platypus! Why aren't you wooing her?"

But Perry continued to glare. This startled Heinz. Perry was supposed to be madly in love! Why was he ignoring Popcorn the Platypus? Why did he look angrier than Heinz had ever seen him look? The Head-Over-Heals-Inator had passed all the tests! He knew it worked!

"Is the cage not a romantic enough setting?" Still a glare. "What? Can you not communicate with regular platypuses?" Still a glare. "Does she not like you? I can hit her with the beam too, if you want! Would that fix it?"

When Perry's glare became a glower, Heinz decided he was fed up. "I don't get it! I know it works! You are supposed to be madly in love! You are supposed to be trying to impress her, to win her heart! You should have become infatuated with the first member of your species with whom you could bond-oh…"

A certain realization dawned on Heinz and was reflected in his eyes. Perry must have noticed the metaphorical light bulb, because now his glare was mingled with defiance and apprehension.

"Perry…Perry the Platypus…you..are you…?" He struggled to find a delicate way to say the words, and Perry angrily looked away. He looked almost ashamed to be a part of this conversation and like he would rather be anywhere else.

"You are…" said Heinz softly, and he slowly sat down on the floor in front of the cage. Popcorn the Platypus idly chewed on a bit of blanket while Perry tried to look anywhere but at the scientist.

"You knooow," Heinz continued gently, "there is nothing to be ashamed of, Perry the Platypus. I don't think any different of you. All those stereotypes and stuff, that is all just nonsense. You're still a suave, ferocious secret agent with a perfect winning streak! This doesn't change that."

Perry sat down in his cage, but he still looked uncomfortable. Heinz knew that Perry the Platypus didn't quite trust him yet; they were too early into their nemesis-ship to have obtained the bond that Heinz secretly hoped they could one day have. This was the first time they had ever stopped a fight to have a heart-to-heart, and Heinz knew Perry wouldn't be happy that the doctor had discovered something so personal this early.

"You are still my nemesis. Being gay doesn't change the way I think about you at all! I know you are just as capable of thwarting me today as you were yesterday! And I'm not at all uncomfortable about having you in the house near me and my daughter. You're a very good per-platypus. The greatest!"

Perry the Platypus smiled softly, and Heinz decided he had done enough damage for one day. He took out the button and opened the cage. The platypus looked at him curiously.

"Well, my scheme is obviously thwarted. I think I'll just spend the rest of the day pet sitting Popcorn the Platypus and coming up with something better for tomorrow."

Perry nodded sheepishly and headed for the door. Just as he was about to go, Heinz called out. "Wait! Should…should I keep this to myself? Does anyone else…?"

Perry's look clearly said 'don't you dare,' so Heinz just smiled and said "Tick-a-lock, even from Monobrow! Oh, and curse you, Perry the Platypus!" The monotreme was gone.

Heinz sighed as he bent down to pick Popcorn the Platypus out of the cage. He sat on a chair and petted her as he thought about the conversation. No, he wouldn't try this scheme again with a boy platypus; suddenly messing with Perry's romantic life seemed too eerily personal.

AN: Based on Dan and Swampy's interviews, I feel it is safe to say that Perry isn't interested at all in having a girlfriend. I thought it might be nice to showcase an early moment between the two, before they really started to become friends, where Heinz accidentally discovered this secret.


End file.
